babies + insomnia

omg, i haven't updated in a million years. where were we? thoughts about happy babies, right. so yeah it just occurred to me a few weeks ago at babydaycare about the feelings we attach to little ones...like, in this instance, i was chillin with three 10-month olds, and 2 were screaming their heads off but the third was just hangin out, crawling around the floor, stopping every so often to giggle. and i was like OMG THANK GOD YOU EXIST. and then i was like whoa there, that's so fucked up. to think that like...this kid is 10 months old and he already has people who are depending on him to keep them from going insane.

i've been thinking a lot about that lately--about how our feelings towards them affect their feelings--a few weeks ago i had another instance where i got really angry (internally, not externally) at a 2 year old for not wanting to go to sleep. i had to close my eyes and count to ten, and then when i reached into his crib to put him down again for the 20th time, he looked at me with these terrified eyes and started to back away into the corner, whimpering--and i was like whoaa there. like what expression must i have had on my face for him to have that reaction? thinking about that pretty much shocked me back into rationality, and whatever horrible expression i was wearing disappeared and i realized i just needed to try a new tactic, so i picked him up and sang "tender shepherd" while rocking him, and he was asleep in about 5 minutes.

it's easy to feel guilty about all the times i've wanted to scream at defenseless babies, but i don't really--playing with babies is my job, and like many jobs, it's very rewarding but also extremely taxing. also i've never actually screamed at a baby (although for me, even getting the desire to scream at them feels weird and alien and terrifying). but mostly, i just think it's interesting to notice and think about what it is about babies that people feel so strongly about (both in loving them so intensely and also in wanting to throw them against the wall). it just trips me out to think about the fact that human beings are born into the world already having 392489327 expectations put upon them about what they're gonna provide for other people, and that number just grows with every new person they meet.

in conclusion. i just want babies to have more space to be however they wanna be.



other news...january should be renamed the month of love. exciting things that happened/are happening:

-my birthday and my birthday karaoke party! had people over to do karaoke and eat incredible vegetarian food (the best vegetarian meal jess has ever had, in fact).
-i got a million karaoke cds from dishes and lynnea in the mail, now i'm well on my way to building my own karaoke empire, yessss
-i'm seeing my family, naomi and potentially other lovelies this weekend
-NEXT weekend, i'm going to northampton, which will hopefully not cause as much of an emotional catastrophe as last time, and will instead just be wonderful
-the days after that, STINA IS COMING TO VISIT ME because emory loves her because she is a women's studies GENIUS and they're paying for her ticket (to have an interview with them, not to visit me, but she got special permission from the department to make some side trips).

i have work tomorrow tho, i should really, truly, pack and go to sleep.
ummm new feature...samson. and everything else by this girl. genius.